Watership Down Syndrome
by Undercooked
Summary: Homosexual Hazel and epileptic Fiver are about to embark on an amazing journey with their noncommittal friends and not a large resevoir of intelligence. Will they make it through? M for language.


Disclaimer: If I owned WSD, I would kill myself.

A/N: I was forced against my will to read this pitiful exuse for literature in my English class, which, sadly, is supposed to be the advanced class. I decided to parody it because of the obscene hatred it stirrs within me. If the title or content offends you, go suck an egg.

**Watership Down Syndrome**

**by Undercooked**

Rabbits can't talk.

They just can't. Their vocal chords are not physically developed enough to speak words.

But let's go against every law of nature and say they can, 'kay?"

One day, a homosexual rabbit and his epileptic brother were casually hopping around, talking of sweet days gone by before one had developed epilepsy and the other had begun to try to mount other bucks all the time.

"Gee, Hazel –" began the epileptic one, before launching into a seizure, crying out,

"I SEE DEAD RABBITS!!"

"...Copyright infringement much?" mused the gay one, the diamond stud in one of his ears sparkling in the sunlight.

"We have to leave our warren!"

"Okay..."

"Because we're all going to die!"

"Oookay..."

"And...Hazel, what is that?"

Before he could protest, the epileptic rabbit had been heavily sedated by his brother.

"Poor psycho..." he sighed, dragging the small, slumbering body away to visit the king.

...........................................

"I'm the king." declared the king.

"Yeah," replied Hazel. "I know. Just came to say that my epileptic brother and me are leaving because of pictures he saw in his head."

"Okay," shrugged the king. "You two were kind of an embarrassment anyway. Just don't take any of my bitches."

"Your bitches?"

"Um, I mean my Owsla."

"'Kay."

As soon as they had left the king, however, one of said bitches approached. He had an obnoxious afro, and was smoking. Which, you know, rabbits can't do either, but since they're talking I decided just to go for it.

"Yo. I'm Bigwig." he said.

"...Bigwig?!?" Hazel asked incredulously. He was promptly kicked in the face.

"Don't make fun of my name, ho!" Bigwig yelled. "I'm coming with you!"

"...No." Hazel replied. "I don't think I like your confrontational nature. Plus, you seem like a homophobe."

"I vote Republican!" exclaimed Bigwig.

"We don't vote." Hazel pointed out. "Whoever eats the most baby rabbits gets to be king."

"Good point." nodded Bigwig solemnly. "I don't even know what a Republican is."

"I changed my mind. You can come." Hazel said. "But you have to carry Fiver."

"Why?!"

"Ask any more questions and I'll mount you."

"Sohelpmegod, if you get near me, I will swiftly eliminate you."

"Point taken."

.............................................

The rabbits they had assembled met in front of the warren at moonrise.

"Okay, so are all the stereotypes here?" asked Hazel. "Timid and scared?"

"Here." called Pipkin.

"Resourceful?"

"Here." Blackberry replied.

"Artistic one?"

"Here." replied Dandelion.

"Filler characters?"

"Here." chorused Hawkbit, Silver, and Theotherone.

"Meathead?"

"Here." said Bigwig.

"And me and Fiver are here, which crosses off leader and wise one. Okay, I think we're ready to go."

"Stop, in the name of the Sandleford Owsla!" exclaimed Captain Holly from nowhere, hopping up and looking menacing. The rabbits just hopped around him obliviously.

"I'm not kidding! Stop, dammit! I will end you!" the captain cried, but he was just ignored. He went home to drown his woes in Scotch. If they talk, why can't they drink?

...................................

"I'm scared." Pipkin asserted.

"No surprise there." Hazel replied. "Dandelion, tell us a story about Rabbit Christ. It should get our minds off this threatening forest we're in the middle of."

Dandelion, who was startled at actually having become important to the novel, sat on a mushroom and began his tale.

"One day, Rabbit Christ was hopping through the meadows, enjoying the Earth that our lord Frith had created. 'I'm the shiznit.' he exclaimed. 'Oh no you're not,' replied Frith. 'Things want to eat you now.' 'Oh snap!' Rabbit Christ said. And things wanted to eat him. But then, Frith said, 'I'll give you cool legs and a tail.' 'Cool,' replied Rabbit Christ. 'Now I really am the shiznit.' The end."

"That was the worst thing I have ever heard." stated Bigwig.

Everyone else agreed, but at least Dandelion's horrible storytelling had taken their minds off their fear.

...................................

"Yay!" exclaimed Fiver. "We made it out of the woods!"

"Yaaay." everyone else droned. They had ceased to care days ago, and the reader had ceased to care at least by the third sentence of the first chapter.

"Let's dig holes." suggested Hazel.

"That's what chicks are for!" protested Silver.

"Shut up." said Fiver. "You're a secondary character."

Silver stuck his tongue out.

"Well, if I don't get my beauty sleep I'll feel terrible tomorrow, and then you'll all have to deal with my man-opausal whining." Hazel grouched. "So I suggest you boys better get digging."

Grumbling, the rabbits started to dig a hole.

Suddenly, a fat-ass rabbit hopped from nowhere, calling,

"Hey, why are all you dudes digging like you have vaginas?"

"Because he said to." sulked Bigwig, nodding at Hazel.

"Come to my warren. It rocks hardcore." said the rabbit, who was extremely persuasive.

"Don't go!" exclaimed Hazel, as they all started to follow the illiterate rabbit. "You'll stay, won't you, Pipkin?"

"Bigwig said you would try to mount me." Pipkin called innocently.

"That's not a bad thing...!" Hazel replied feebly, beginning to follow his extremely non-loyal friends.

**NEXT TIME**

Hazel and his companions enter a warren of death, where they encounter...death. Plus, Strawberry has a hot wife who could turn even Hazel straight. Tune in!


End file.
